today I want to talk about growth and change.
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| Butterflies change as they grow, right? |
For the past little while, I have been hating going to work. Just like I always used to. And I want to change this.
I work with small children. I keep their day rolling, and try to comfort them when they get hurt and motivate them when they need it. I have been working with children for 12 years in some capacity or another, and I miss them when I don't work with them. So why have I been miserable lately? Do I just need a career change?
That seems like a logical conclusion, except I just went from working full time with children to working with them on an extremely part-time basis and spending the rest of my time on self-care, building relationships with friends and family, and volunteering with a cause that I believe strongly in. So I don't really spend most of my time with them. Do I dislike going to work because it's the place where I am most obliged to go because of financial reasons? I don't think so. Here's why...
I like to be organized. I have been working on my family's budget for the last few months, tweaking it so that we can do the things that bring us real joy, instead of instant gratification as mindless consumers. I have downsized our possessions recently and have been focusing on paying off our debts. I have been reconnecting with nature and trying to be a more nurturing wife. I am trying to organize my life so that my choices align with my personal philosophy. I want everything I do to fit into my chosen categories. I get irritated when things don't fit.
And guess who doesn't fit? Children.
They are noisy, unpredictable, full of life, and constantly learning. They also soak up all of the energy that you bring to them, not just in terms of tiring you out, but in terms of reflecting back to you the kind of attitude you have when you're with them. Each of your choices directly impact them, and as the vulnerable ones in the relationship, they're kind of at your mercy. You can make their day great, or you can make it kind of suck.
Because I like to be organized, I always think of the day in terms of time (who doesn't). I also used to work in a childcare centre, and to keep everything running smoothly, you had to stick to a schedule. Now I'm working with three children, in their home. I still think of our time together in terms of our schedule. Here is how I divide it up.
9:00-10:00 am- pack lunches, snacks, and backpacks for afternoon activities, prep morning activity
10:00-11:00- activity
11:00-12:30- prepare, serve and clean up after lunch
12:30-2:00- drop-offs, unstructured play, clean up anything that needs it, get ready to go home
2:00- shift over
This actually seems like a really laid-back, healthy schedule, but I think the kids have been having a hard time with it, because I tend to stress out over keeping it rigidly in place. When the pace of the day slows down and it looks like I will miss my 11:00 am mark for starting lunch, I get tense. When the kids spill stuff a lot during an activity, I get tense. When I get the sense that one of their parents might not like my methods, I get tense. When I feel used up by 10:30 in the morning, I get tense. I always have a dream of the day going quietly and smoothly by, with everything in its place. It's pretty unrealistic.
And guess how my tense energy rubs off onto the children? They get tense. They smile less and whine more. And I get irritated because all I wanted was for the day to go smoothly with minimal upset, which is why I created the schedule in the first place.
My husband pointed out to me recently that when faced with a problem, I often choose to try and control it. This doesn't sound that weird to me, as a response, but he suggested that I could approach problems with a greater sense of curiosity and flexibility. Rather than feel threatened by a challenge, I could ask questions about it and try to understand it further. I think that has a lot of merit.
It's about adopting a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset. Psychologist Carol Dweck published a book in 2006 called "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success." Rather than bang my head against a wall, saying that I am just a tense person, and that I will probably never learn to enjoy working, I can ask questions about why I'm frustrated on a daily basis. If I use these questions to spark change in the way I process my day, I am using a growth mindset.
The opposite of a growth mindset is a fixed mindset, which I often use to berate myself for making the same mistakes over and over. I use this mindset when I decide that one child is smart, and another is just emotional. There is no room for nurturing growing children in this mindset, or encouraging them to try something new. And I think many people who try to use a growth mindset probably lapse back into a fixed one fairly often.
So in order to start enjoying my days more, I need to see the kids I take care of less as cogs in a highly organized machine, and more as little sprouts in a garden. They will respond to temperature, precipitation, and nutrients. And it doesn't matter how straight the rows are.
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